


晚上

by tadanoris



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, no actual relationship stuff tbh it can definitely be seen as just platonic if you want that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 11:56:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8666539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tadanoris/pseuds/tadanoris
Summary: Guanghong deals with pre-competition nerves by not really dealing with it. Luckily, there's someone who's always willing to lend him a helping hand.





	

Guanghong is generally a pretty nervous person. He’s a little shy, quiet, and mostly keeps to himself. He’s by no means rude or anything— he’s just not the type of person to seek out people for no reason, especially not by himself. Most of the time he’ll tag along with whatever others want to do (he’s always been a pushover), or simply stay put. He’s too nervous to do anything of his own accord. In fact, there’s many things he’s too nervous to do.

His nerves get the best of him sometimes. They creep up, along with the day of figure skating events, slowly filling him with dread until that is all that he is. A ball of anxiety, with shaky hands and shakier movements— ones that cause him to fall multiple times during his warm-up, two days before the cup of China.

At the end of the day, his coach sends him back to his hotel room, a bit earlier than usual. He still needs to practice, to hone his skills, but she tells him he won’t get anywhere if he’s distracted.

(He doesn’t tell her that he’s not distracted— on the contrary, he’s quite focused. Far too focused, and that’s why he can’t do anything right. Anxiety clings to his lungs and to his feet, and doesn’t disappear, even when he’s off the ice and back in his room.)

It’s terrifying. Guanghong doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to these nerves and the effect they have on him. He’s too nervous for his own good, he knows. He’s overreacting, blowing things out of proportion, but it’s hard not to when his mind is plagued with thoughts of everything that can go wrong under his performances. What if he over-rotates, what if he doesn’t land correctly after a jump, what if he just passes out— right there, on the middle of the ice in front of everyone to see.

Guanghong thinks all these scenarios seem possible.

It’s terrifying.

His coach, as impatient as ever, tells him the same things she always does. It’s a bit annoying, having to listen to the same words again and again, but he supposes she can’t blame her. He reacts the same way before his events, and so she reacts the same way to him.

But it feels worse time this around and Guanghong thinks it may be because he only recently debuted in the senior division. He’s only seventeen, a newbie among the seniors. Just another kid making a fool out of himself on the ice. Just another kid, doing his best but not really accomplishing much.

Additionally, it’s the cup of China. His country. His people. His fans, standing on the bleachers, holding flags and yelling. Cheering when he nails a jump; sighing when he messes up.

_Guānghóng! Jiāyóu! Jiāyóu, Xiǎo Guāng!_

He’s heard it before, but it’ll be different this time. Senior division. The cup of China.

Guanghong’s breath catches in his throat.

It’s getting late but he’s feeling wide awake. Exhausted, but alert, far too alert. He’s all too aware of his chest rising too much with each breath he takes. His breathing is getting weird again— too deep but too shallow at the same time; at least that’s what it feels like, even if it doesn’t make sense. Like he’s taking huge gulps of air but none of the oxygen is actually doing what it's supposed to. It’s weird, uncomfortable, familiar.

Maybe he wasn’t made to figure skate. He’s too fragile. He bruises easily, falls easily, stumbles on his feet even when he’s not wearing skates, stumbles over words when he's speaking to someone new— and he gets panic attacks when everything becomes too much for him. He’s too fragile to compete in a sport where every event matters so much. A sport that only gives you a short window of time to succeed. In order to be among the professionals, you have to start early. Put on skates and get on the ice before you’ve even seen snow for the first time. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get to skate among the talented ones for up to ten years. Ten years of working your way up to the top, a couple of years of glory, and then it’s over. Human lives may be short but ten years will be gone in the blink of an eye. A handful of figure skaters become legends and remain at the top for longer of course, but Guanghong knows he won’t be one of them.

He’s too fragile. Can’t even stop himself from freaking out over the cup of China.

Can’t even catch his breath as he feels himself gasp out desperately, hands clutching the bathroom counter in front of him.

Two days before the event and he’s already like this. He wonders how wrecked he’ll be on the actual day. Wonders if he’ll actually manage to calm himself down soon, or if he’ll just have breathing problems until he’s standing on the ice. Just one continuous panic attack for the next two days until he’s there, in front of everyone, in front of cameras and fans and other figure skaters. More talented ones, experienced ones, ones he’s lucky enough to call his friends— he wonders what they’ll think if he just passes out right there and then—

A choked sound escapes him and he crumbles down on the bathroom floor. He’s not good at calming himself down. In fact, he's _shit_ at it. Why the hell was he thinking about the cup of China right now, when that was the very thing that had made him panic in the first place? No matter how many panic attacks he has, every one of them feels like the first, like he's just as inexperienced every time. It always feels like it’s never-ending, that he’ll just be stuck here, curled up in a ball with his face now buried in his knees and his heaving chest bumping into his legs forever.

His ears feel like they’re stuffed with cotton and there’s a weird ringing sound that just won’t go away— sounds of water dripping from the sink above him— the sound of his own breathing, much too loud— the sound of footsteps— a door opening—

Suddenly, he feels warm hands touch his shoulders and he gasps in surprise, immediately looking up. Wide, panicked eyes meet concerned ones and it takes a moment for Guanghong to realize that his panicking must have woken up Leo, who’s now standing in front of him. He looks tired, but Guanghong is sure he looks far worse.

The older boy crouches next to him, hands remaining on Guanghong’s narrow shoulders. A steady presence. That’s what Leo is. Much steadier and calmer than Guanghong, who just stares helplessly at the other, chest heaving with breaths that won’t do him any good.

“Guanghong.” Leo’s voice is quiet, thick with sleep and exhaustion, but it’s steady. Guanghong clings to it like a lifeline. “Remember those breathing exercises I thought you last time?”

A long pause, followed by a shaky nod.

“We’re gonna do those again, okay? It’ll make you feel better, I promise. So, take a deep breath—”

Guanghong does as he’s told, and Leo does it with him— to demonstrate or just to make Guanghong feel less alone, he doesn’t know. Either way, he appreciates it.

Leo holds up fingers to count— _one, two, three_ — and when he lets the air out again, so does Guanghong.

“One more time, okay?”

Guanghong does as he’s told, repeating the breathing exercise multiple times with Leo, who does it with him every time. Sometime during it all— Guanghong doesn’t know when, he can barely comprehend reality right now-- Leo’s hands had moved from Guanghong’s shoulders and one had grabbed his hand. Like with Leo’s voice, Guanghong clings to his hand as well. His is much smaller, almost hidden beneath Leo’s warm, steady fingers. It feels nice. Leo gives Guanghong's hand a squeeze every time it seems like the younger boy is struggling again, and somehow, that helps too. 

He doesn’t know how many times they have to repeat it— breathing in, counting, breathing out— but after a while, it helps, just like Leo had promised. Guanghong’s still shaky, still sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest like he’s trying to make himself impossibly smaller, but at least he can breathe now. At least the cotton in his ears is gone, and his mind feels a little less muddled.

“Better?” Leo asks, voice as gentle as the smile on his face. He still looks concerned, thick eyebrows furrowed in worry, and it makes Guanghong’s heart ache. Not in a panicky sort of way, but a guilty way— after all, he had just woken his friend up and practically forced him to deal with his panic attack.

“Better,” Guanghong confirms, and he sounds as bad as he thinks he looks. “...Sorry for waking you up.”

The smile on Leo’s face brightens. “Don’t be. I’m glad I could help you.”

Leo is too kind. Guanghong knows he’s being genuine when he says that, he knows that Leo really was happy to help his friend. He’s helped Guanghong through this before, and just like now, he hadn’t come with any complaints, only a steady presence and warm smile.

“Do you want to talk about it? Whatever made you panic, I mean?”

Guanghong briefly ponders the question, but quickly shakes his head. He’ll just feel stupid if he says it’s pre-competition jitters, even if that is the real reason. Of course, Leo would never judge that answer, but Guanghong isn’t quite ready to admit that an event has him feeling this bad. After all, Leo was going to attend that very same event too, yet he wasn’t breaking down on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. Leo wasn’t as fragile. He’s fit to be a figure skater.

“I think I just want to go back to bed,” Guanghong admits quietly, after taking a moment to string together words in a language that isn't his own. He usually has little difficulty expressing himself in English, but he's too out of it now to be able to functional normally. Luckily, Leo doesn’t push any further, and instead stands up, offering a hand to Guanghong to help him up. He takes it, and even as they walk back to the beds, he doesn’t let go. He feels too shaky to trust his limbs not to collapse halfway to the beds and Leo walks close to him, ready to steady Guanghong if he really does end up tripping.

One of the lamps on the bedside tables is on, probably having been switched on when Leo had gotten up in a hurry. Guanghong really must’ve been loud if it had been enough to wake Leo, though he belatedly remembers that he hadn't properly closed the door when he had stumbled into the bathroom in panic. He wonders what it’s like to wake up to the sound of your friend having breathing problems in the bathroom, but he hopes for Leo’s sake that it’s something he’ll never experience.

“Ready to go back to sleep then?” Leo asks, pulling the younger boy out of his reverie, and Guanghong realizes he’s probably only asking because he’s still holding onto his hand. Leo was too polite to pull away first, so Guanghong finally lets go. Leo gives him a reassuring smile.

He lies down on the bed again, pulling the covers over himself as Leo does the same. The bedside table in the middle is the only thing that separates the two beds, and even if Guanghong can no longer physically touch Leo, his steady presence is enough.

Leo leans over to switch the light off, gaze fixed on Guanghong’s as if he's searching for something, but ultimately doesn't comment on it. “Wǎn'ān,” he says instead, accent coloring his words in a way that makes Guanghong genuinely smile, before he switches off the lamp and lets darkness envelop them both.

**Author's Note:**

> just a lil something i wrote for my fav yuri!!! on ice ship! ive been binge-reading leoji fics lately so i figured i could come with a lil contribution of my own! it's not much but w/e, it felt nice to write something ;; also i apologize for any mistakes-- i started writing this at midnight at it's currently 3:40am so ;;;; also not beta-read dkfjgk
> 
> NYAnyways i hope u enjoyed!! feel free to hmu on tumblr @ tadanoris ! im always ready to yell about leoji


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